Friday, September 17, 2010

Translating for Jim

Suldog, aka Jim, tagged me for a meme. Now, I normally don't complete those. I find the answers to them interesting when other people do them, but generally speaking the questions are not ones that will provide much of an interesting window into me, so I pass them by.

However, Jim is in the midst of quitting smoking. This is an endeavor with which every person who smokes or has smoked, or known someone who did or does, wishes him the absolute best because it is famously difficult for good reason. It has given him Nicotine-Deprived Brain Syndrome, of course, and that's a malady that requires the assistance of friends. One of the times I saw a friend of mine in the grips of this affliction he was desperately trying to pry the hatch off of a remote controlled car, in order to install new batteries. Brian was using a hammer, when a screwdriver was needed.

This guy had a masters in something or other, I believe it was geology but can't completely recall, and as he thwacked the little car, rather lightly, with the hammer he seemed to be crooning to a god of misfortune as he did:

"I'm getting frustrated, stumped! Hate this, haaaaaaatttteee this," in a small, sing-song voice.

A nearby friend gently took the hammer away, and started replacing the batteries on the car for Brian's waiting son, who was looking at Brian as if he was completely convinced his father had popped a crucial artery.

So when friends have their thought process eaten whole by withdrawal, when normally nimble minds are turned into a raging, fire-breathing beast, stumbling through the Japanese urban centers of the filmscape, I stand at the ready offering my support in the only way I can. By making fun of them in as kind and truly supportive a fashion as I can.

Let's Go:

Jim asked: 1 - You have a choice. You can have your nose replaced with a second set of your genitals, or you can have your genitals replaced with a second nose. Which would you choose, and why?

The Greek chorus supplies: Oh no, there goes Tokyo, Godzilla!

Helpful notes from Jim's sane brain: So you get that I didn't give a lot of thought to asking women this question, right? That I'm not trying to be demeaning, or anything? Because I'm really not.

Duly noted, Jim, I do know that about you. Never fear, and also, most women do know that men are obsessed with their Wee Willy Winkies, even as they run through the town. They don't seem to get that women really aren't. However, despite being descended from literal Puritans, I have no problem admitting that I have all bits and parts in working order, and they are staying where they belong, Jim. I don't have a problem saying, writing, thinking or referring to a vagina, but I don't want one on my face. Now lest you want me to pop you in the slats, wherever they may reside, let's translate, shall we?

Translation into non-withdrawal-induced question: Which is the worse fate: Being naked in public, or being stricken with food poisoning miles from the nearest lavatory?

Answer: Food poisoning wins by a mile on that with or without nearby facilities. Whereas it wouldn't be a treat for the general public if I was to be beamed in, stark naked into the average thriving metropolis, that's unpleasant for other people more than it is for me.

Jim asked: 2 - Do you think I give a tinker's damn?

Notes from Jim's sane brain: This one I stand by. Semantic arguments can be fun, dammit. Do I smell toast?

Answer: It depends on whether you believe the phrase to be "Tinker's Damn" or "Tinker's Dam". To the first? No, I do not believe you give a tinker's damn. Now, do I believe that if I set you to repairing a dam that you would do a tinkerer's job on repairing it? Let me think about that as I clutch my oars, grab a boat and load all of my prized possessions into it, okay?

Jim asked: 3 - If you suddenly found yourself transformed into a cockroach, would you step on yourself?

Jim's sane brain: Normally I'd reference Kafka playing softball somewhere in there, but I'm under a strain.

Answer: Only if I get to pop in from an alternate universe to do so. In the alternate universe I have a goatee, because those are the rules of the alternate universe. People with goatees are known for stomping, really they are.

Jim asked: 4 - If fuschia was a smell, and avocados were polar bears, why not Toronto?

Jim's sane brain said: *whimper* I think I've started hallucinating. Somebody get me a donut, please! Donuts fight off the DTs, I'm sure they do.

Translation: Are you a fan of surrealist art? If you are, does that mean you keep trying to melt your clocks? Do dream about people speaking backwards while falling from the sky, clutching sheep?

Answer: I'm only a fan of light surrealism because my brain tends to go off on tangents anyway. My ability to free associate is rather too well-developed as it is, and now that you've mentioned that? Yeah, incoming sheep from my sleeping brain, thanks a lot, Jim.

Jim's sane brain: Hey! I didn't even ask that question!

Answer: But my magic eightball assures me that you wanted to. Take this pastry, it's glazed, you'll feel better.

Jim asked: 5 - Does the fact that Deep Purple isn't in the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame piss you off? How about the fact that Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers ARE in there? I mean, come on, not a bad singing group, but that's like putting Eddie Brinkman in Cooperstown.

Eddie Brinkman, whom I really liked as a player, but come on...

Jim's sane brain: Don't you dare translate that!! That one I really meant!

Translation: Oh, okay then, never mind

Answer: Eh, no it doesn't tick me off. Not in the way that Christine O'Donnell ticks me off. I save my outrage for things that matter to me personally, and whereas I like Deep Purple, I'm not about to get het up about them on any level.

Jim Asked: 6 - If you were Eddie Brinkman, would you be pissed off now?

Straightforward answer: Seeing as I'd have to Google him to even have a chance at knowing, you're stuck out of luck there, Jim. I'm too busy trying to help a friend quit smoking in any way, shape or form I can to bother much with the inner workings of Mr. Brinkman.

Jim asked: 7 - Artichokes or Hand Grenades?

Jim's brain: I wish this day was over already!

The Greek Chorus Supplies: You can do it, Duffy Moon!

Translation: How hungry was the poor sod who first tried to eat an artichoke?

Answer: I know, right?? I'm guessing he was hiding from someone lobbing hand grenades or finally got tired of playing with his...never mind.

Jim asked: 8 - What's that smell?

The Greek Chorus Supplies: Everything's coming up roses!

Jim's sane brain: No really, is someone making toast?

Answer: You can do it, Jim. Just hang in there and keep trying.


Craig said...

Wow, you're good; a Greek chorus and everything. . .

And no, I don't have anything better to do on a Friday afternoon than surf all over blog-space tracking this meme; why do you ask?

Land of shimp said...

Hehe, well I'm not going to judge, Craig. I had nothing better to do than to answer it, complete with a Greek chorus :-) Hello!

Hilary said...

Bravo! I think that you, Suldog and Lime are all of the same mold. You're all so brilliantly funny.. and nice. And really, I'm so relieved that I wasn't the only one who could hear Jim's brain.. or smell toast. ;)

The Bug said...

Well I'm freaking out because I'm EATING A DONUT WHILE READING THIS. And I don't even smoke!

I enjoyed this quite a bit - & I got a nugget from it I can relate to - Ms. O'Donnell is also my current enemy. Sheesh!

Suldog said...


(For those wondering, that's the feminine form of BRAVO, and the correct way to cheer someone of the vaginal persuasion.)

Seriously, this was impressive. Hilariously funny. Great job!

Uncle Skip, said...

I had to check to see how others were responding

Katy said...

Too much fun! And I often wonder the same thing aboug onions... who was the first person to figure those things out?

IT said...

Artichokes are thistles and you can survive a thistle attack.

Where'd you find your Greeks?

Oh, and why do you want to give Sully the benefit of doubt because of his craving for nicotine and menthol... it's the menthol that's really got him hooked.

Nancy said...

You are so incredibly witty!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious questions - and answers! Poor Jim - hope he finds his sanity soon...

Don said...

Could it be that I'm entering another time and space?

slommler said...

Love the banter!!! This was terrific! Poor Jim! I have been in those shoes and the end of each day was such a blessing...I could sleep and escape the huge craving in my mind and body! Oh it was a living and breathing thing. Like Lady Gaga said, "It ate my brain!" Argh!!
Hugs to you both

Pauline said...

started with a giggle, ended with a guffaw - you're pretty funny!

intelliwench said...

Reading this transported me back to an era when I indulged in substances best left unmentioned.

Jennifer D said...

Soooo funny! Good Luck Jim.

Ugh...Christine O'Donnell,
I mean what is wrong with people?

Frank Baron said...

Jim has my heartfelt best wishes, especially now, when I see what kind of friends he has....;)

I smoked for 40 years and quit four years ago. Luckily, I didn't suffer from stinkin' thinkin' or have any withdrawal symptoms at all. Sure, there was an awkward few weeks there when I couldn't speak unless I was picking my nose at the same time, but that was about it.

Shrinky said...

Oh, you are GOOD, girl! Love your train of thought, sleep sheep 'nall. Hope Suldog apprecieates the sacrifices you made for him (and thanks for a good belly laugh)..

Cricket said...

How hungry was the poor sod who first tried to eat an artichoke?

I think this every time I tuck into a lobster. Who the hell first looked at one of those and said "Hmmm..."

I'm glad I found this post. Good to be back in nice, friendly BlogLand after an extended stay on a different forum filled with folks who think Benedict XVI is a raving liberal. I give up.

It's good to be home.

Carolina said...

Oh that was a brilliant idea to impersonate Jim's brain (or what's left of it) and just make up your own questions here and there. Nice one!

Land of shimp said...

Hehe, thank you Hilary :-) Yes, Jim's sane-brain is interesting to listen to, isn't it? Glad you can hear it too ;-)

Hahaha! Bug, that's marvelous, and Nancy would be so pleased with the synchronicity. I'm glad I've got you for company in my Christine O'Donnell disdain. Isn't it amazing that since I've posted this no less than three more outrageously nutty, daft things have come out about her?

She's an embarrassment to empowered everywhere. Of course, I have no opinion on the matter, and am far to meek to say what I think -- just as the lord intended, I'm sure (beware the flying sarcasm, it has teeth).

Thank you, Suldog ;-) Coming from some penal burdened folk...wait, not penal. Hmmmm.

Peni'd ? Penis. Penised. "Yo, thanks schlongy!" doesn't sound right either.

So with great tact and decorum, I shall simply say, "Thank you, Jim." in my staid way.

I saw yours too, Uncle Skip and I see that you decided discretion was the better part of valor!

Oh good, Katy!! I'm glad I"m not alone in wondering those things. For me, it's cinnamon. Almost all foodstuffs (artichokes notwithstanding, you have to whittle them to get to the once ounce of edible they contain) I can sort of get. "I'm hungry. I'm going to try biting this." "HEY! Stop squirming. Hit with stick, hard, then bite." or wash, or apply flame, most things I can see "Hey, if you were desperate enough for some variety..."

But the dude or dudette that decided that bark looked good, and discovered cinnamon was in some dire freaking straits :-)

IT -- third shelf in the pantry, down by the...OH, you need singing Greeks? Yes, those are in the upstairs linen closet. They upset the whole grain crackers with all their yapping, so I had to move them to a place that the pillows could smother them if need be.

Now aren't you glad asked?

Thanks for dropping by :-)

Land of shimp said...

Thank you so much, Nancy. That's honestly such an incredibly kind thing to tell anyone. Completely fits what I know of you. You add kindness to this universe, a lot.

Psssst, don't tell him, Lady Fi, but I've got it locked up in a mason jar.

That depends, Don. Do you see Rod Serling smoking a cigarette? If so, please don't let Jim bum one. Thank you for dropping by!

SueAnn, I feel for Jim too. He's very quick-witted (let's hope he isn't reading this, as his head shall ex-band) and it's always tough for people to quit. Those who are really used to having a nimble brain really feel it.

I'm guessing Lady Gaga likely isn't in that set, eh?

Good to see you :-)

Hehe, thank you, Pauline. That was a pretty nice thing to say, and I appreciate it.

intelliwench, well I aim to be a random drug-trip. Nostalgia and all that. Although you were doubtless referring to wheat germ and sprouted wheat, and all things good and wholesome.

But I wasn't.

Jennifer D! Lovely to see you. Shall we set up a time to howl to the moon together lest that biddy is actually elected, because that will certainly be a sign of the cataclysm to come. Might as well start howling, and drink Plum hooch.

However, I still have faith that Almond Joy over there will not see elected office.

Oh Frank, you're so lucky! Forty years and just a few grim weeks isn't bad. Congratulations on shrugging off the demon.

By the way, I used to work with a woman whose father was some madly intelligent scientist, who had married a very sweet, if somewhat ditzy woman, and they made each other very happy indeed. But when coworkers dad quit smoking after thirty some years, it took almost five for the wife to note that.

Her comment: Well I did notice him lying around on the couch for six months, with a pillow over his face...groaning.

I love that story, makes me giggle every time I think of it. Evidently, it didn't occur to the lady to ask what all the laying about and groaning was in aid of!

Thank you, Shrinky. Suldog actually told me to pretend I'd never seen it, if i knew what was good for me.

Good to see you, Cricket! Come back and play with the people who are irreverent as a way of life! You can still visit the other, serious folk from time-to-time. Although, I'm not sure I entirely recommend it.

Thank you, Carolina, but perhaps I really did tap into Jim's brain and was translating. The world may never know. Oh, okay, they know but isn't it a fun idea? Me, storing Jim's sane-brain in a handy container, popping open the lid of which to say, "What? What was that? Indeed, that does make more sense." and typing furiously?


Jo said...

Alane, that was fun...!

"...most women do know that men are obsessed with their Wee Willy Winkies..."

*heh, heh*

Tabor said...

Back from a Loooong trip and different time zone...trying hard to absorb this lengthy outer space post. Not sure I would have the energy or intelligence to answer ANY of these. At least you do it with style and humor.

Shrinky said...

Ahem. Knock, knock? Where are you kid, I need my Shimp fix! (Pout) Okay, at the risk of nagging.. please, pretty please, can you post again soon??

ethelmaepotter! said...

Lordy, there has GOT to be something stronger than nicotine going on here!

I love Wee Willy Winkie! Well, I should rephrase that - I love the PHRASE. Like you said, women are just not obsessed with them. Some of us are even repulsed by them. Ahem.

"In the alternate universe I have a goatee, because those are the rules of the alternate universe. People with goatees are known for stomping, really they are." GENIUS!!!!

And this one: "How hungry was the poor sod who first tried to eat an artichoke?" How true! Remember Euell Gibbons? "Ever eat a pine tree?" he'd ask on...I think it was a Grape Nuts commercial. Yeah, I think maybe one of his ancestors discovered the green gooey stuff of an artichole could be tasty.

Brilliant post, Alane. Now you and Jim go on down and flush the rest of that stuff down the toilet!

Anonymous said...

ha, I am going to experiment my thought, your post give me some good ideas, it's really amazing, thanks.

- Murk

Land of shimp said...

Hello :-) Thanks all, for the comments!

Shrinky, I'll be posting later today, thank you, by the way.

I've been trying to teach myself to use my relative new Mac, at long last. "Intuitive" my foot!

So tales of my idiocy on that score to follow! Nary a mention of Wee Willie Anything!

Susan said...

I am very impressed with this blpg.
keep up the good work.

Henry Zackery said...

nice 2 know you Blog Bebas

Nnanaakoko said...

you have a very intuitive mind. keep the good work up...

Anonymous said...

[url=]kalendarze ksi&#261&#380kowe[/url]

Appartement à vendre casablanca said...

Hello, I enjoy reading all of your post. I like to write a little comment to support you.