Monday, August 23, 2010

Shouting from the Depths of August

Good people of the internet, greetings and salutations! The summer is getting away from me, and I apologize for a long absence. I wanted to wait until I actually had time to catch up on blogs before posting again, but today I received my third request to say something, anything at all.

I usually don't like to do that without being able to return the favor and read blogs, but it seems I have a friend in need of a funny story, actually, three friends requested "tell a funny story, would you?" and whereas that generally results in extreme duds when it comes to humor writing, I'm going to give it a shot.

For, hopefully, your giggling pleasure I present to you three tales of my idiocy, one for each friend in need of a giggle.

This happened last night:

Don't read if you are sensitive to vomit stories!

So, my cat hurls a fair amount, as do most cats. Since he's my evil Gray cat, he likes to actually throw up on something absorbent, because that's how he rolls. I've seen him scurry off of hardwood floor onto the carpet to throw up. I get the concept, that way he isn't throwing up on his feet. To him it's more comfortable, for me it's a reason to get out the steam cleaner.

Well, he just managed to toss his cookies on the stair landing last night, so I've already done the weekend "spot clean the cat's hork spots" cleaning and as it happens? I'm out of the special pet cleaner shampoo because of that.

He hops up onto the arm of the sofa and does that "Huck-AH HUCK-AH..." retching, and I immediately jump to my feet to get him, at least, off of the sofa. He scurries along in front of the sofa, me in hot pursuit. He stops dead short of the hardwood in the kitchen, with about two feet to go, so that he can puke without soiling his paws. I scoop him up, like I'm recovering a fumble in mid-stride, trying to get him the last two feet into the kitchen....when I trip...and the cat goes sailing through the air, and vomits mid-air, so that it has a scatter-shot, shotgun effect, covering about six feet of the hardwood (yay!) in a spectacular arc, that ends on Rob's shoes (boo!).

The cat hates me a lot right now, that's for sure.

All cleaned up, but if you've ever wondered what a cat might look like sailing through the air, spewing chow as he goes? I have a sad level of familiarity with that now.

Still beats the sofa, I guess.

This happened a three weeks ago:

On a beautiful evening, enjoying the calm, warm weather I went outside to ask my husband a question of some great import. It probably was something of great import, at least. I don't really remember, but I'm willing to give myself the benefit of that doubt. As I passed by the pool, I decided to drag my toes through the inviting water.

Just as my foot hit the water, my gaze was caught by motion. A small, drenched creature, about the size of a swimming avocado, with eyes roughly the size of dessert plates was making its way along the side of the pool, swimming for all it was worth. As is my way, I swung into crisis solving mode, and in such instances that involves yelling my brains out and hoping that I will be rescued. What? That is too a solution. Try it and see.

"Rob?!?, " I screamed with enough force that someone in Vail with the name of Robert probably sat up with an expectant look on his face, " ROB?!? Critter! Critter in the pool! Hurry hurry hurry, it's gonna drown! The Critter is going to drown!!!"

To which he replied, "Is it a baby bunny?"

Like he'd just misplaced one. Sure enough, the creature swimming desperately towards the pool filter (which wasn't going to work out well for him) bore some resemblance to a drenched bunny.

"Yes, yes, it's a bunny!!" For all I knew it was a strangely shaped, and furred python, but if agreement was going to rescue us both, agreement was called for.

Now, you may ask, "Why didn't you do anything? Are you simple? Are you daft?"

Uh, maybe? The fact of the matter is that I froze, badly. I should have gotten the pool skimmer. I should have snatched up a nearby bucket and scooped the little creature to safety. What I did instead was hop in place and bellow. Yay?

Luckily my husband is trained to answer the bellowing of his wife's call and for the sake of one wee bunny, be glad. He was fished from the drink by my husband, with the aid of a Tupperware pitcher.

Now he likes to reenact my, "Critter! Critter in the pool!" Cry for help. Well, fine. See how much better you do when the water stares back at you.

As for how my husband knew there was a baby bunny about? It seems my dog had recently flushed one from a bush in the backyard. He had a slight advantage over me in that he was fully expecting one teeny, freaked out bunny. I was expecting a refreshing foot bath.

The third funny thing qualifies as humor of the darkest variety, and involves some poor mother bunny, who seemingly dropped a litter of kits in our front bushes, and then left them there. I've been assured that rabbits are actually very good mothers but as our neighborhood is stuffed with both bunnies, and SUVS, I leave it to you to speculate as to her fate. I don't know for certain that's what became of her, but I do know that not long after our baby bunny encounter, we had still more. Baby bunnies wandered about, sans parental supervision, it seems.

My son emerged from the basement and informed me that he heard scuffling sounds coming from the window wells. He was off to work, and that left just me to go and provide the lifesaving scooping. I donned my garden gloves and a grim expression as I've done this before. You need good reflexes as it seems all small rabbits have ingested some form of superball, and bounce accordingly.

Unfortunately for the bunny population, my son is not highly attuned to sounds in his environment and judging from the scene of mass bunny destruction before me, he'd missed at least four plummeting bunnies. One stared disconsolately up at me from what can only be described as the Killing Fields. That's all I'm going to tell you about the grimmer aspects of my bunny rescuing activity that morning but I will say that I atoned for my inability to move when Swimmer Bunny was trying to dash himself to Bunny Kingdom Come in the pool filter.

I was yodeling like a cross between the Swiss Miss and those freaky six foot long horns featured in cough drop ads, but jump down amongst the grimness I did. Puddles cowered in mortal terror above as I sounded as if I'd ingested an air raid siren.

Amidst many screams of my own protest, I scooped out the bunny and then surprised myself by vaulting, without aid of pole, directly out of the window well where I did the Heebeejeebie Dance of Yuck for approximately five minutes.

Then when Rob got home, I abandoned all Gender Equality and played the girl card, "Honey? Deal with that freaky level of gross would you?" and good man that he is, he did.

If anyone is missing two lizards, one bird, three baby bunnies, and a toad that miraculously survived the slaughterhouse powers of my window well, do let me know.

I'm sorry I'm absent. There is luckily no dire reason for this. This last winter seemed to drag on forever, and ever. So I've been making sure to enjoy the summer while we have it. I will return come fall, and I promise faithfully to go back to my habit of both reading, and commenting at length on your blogs.

Until then I will be wishing you all great fortune, and absolutely no encounters with baby bunnies.


The Bug said...

Ah you still make me laugh out loud. The image of you and cat, airborne - priceless!

Cricket said...

My sincerest thanks, Alane.

Enjoy the rest of your summer. Mine has been nice, if busier than I prefer. "Cricket" needs to spend a week in a monastery. Really. "Porcupine" has been uncharacteristically prolific, though.

Now that I've laughed and am more cheerful, I'm going to shut down this computer and abandon that political post I was writing for a later time.

I'll take what I can get ;-)

Suldog said...

It's a dreary day here in Massachusetts, and I lost two softball games yesterday. I needed the laughs. Thanks!

Vera said...

Thoroughly enjoyed the read, and it gave me a boost of cheerfulness which was much needed, so thankyou and hope you have a good end of summer.

intelliwench said...

I feel a strange bond between us now, seeing as you are the only other person outside my family who I've ever known to refer to vomit as "hork."

Tabor said...

Strange times. I do have to admit that I am so glad I am allergic to cats. Thanks for the re-enforcement.

ds said...

Tossing the cat as it was tossing its kibble--priceless. Critters in the pool--poignant.

Thanks for the smiles. It's nice to have you back, even briefly. Enjoy the rest of your summer!

Dylan said...

The tale of the poor baby bunnies still makes me sad...

Kathryn said...

Oh, Alane, i have missed you!

I don't know why cats want a "soft spot" to do that. Considering we have long haired cats, i don't have to deal with this all that often, but they ALWAYS choose a rug.

Poor baby bunnies. Ah, well. Enjoyed your post. Enjoy the rest of your summer. It isn't long to be now.

Rebecka said...

I am gratified to know that I am probably the only existing non-horking cat owner. Now just because I said that... I'm sure there'll be a surprise for me on the carpet in the morning. Most likely right where I step out of bed.

Baby bunnies are so CUTE! Yay you and your hubby for your rescue operations.

Amy said...

Welcome back Alane! Your funny story(s) are hopefully the balm that will get me through a day forecast to hit 108 degrees. Our cat, Little Red, doesn't vomit - he regurgitates. My daughter says it's because he eats too fast. Her solution is to put a rock in his food dish so he has to root out the food. Not! Just last week he did his thing on the carpet in our bedroom (about 6 inches from the hardwood hallway). And guess who stepped in it in the wee hours of the morning when it was still dark? No, not me, my husband! All day he berated the "Little."

Anyway, I'm happy to hear you are enjoying your Summer - would you like to trade places today?

Clowncar said...

the cat in the pic looks chagrined.

airborne puking will do that.

fun post. although I'm haunted by the image of a bunny getting sucked into the pool filter.

Katy said...

Thank you Alane. Stang times call for strang and funny stories. The heat of August has forced me into air conditioned climents to await the fall. Glad to know someone is sitll enjoying summer weather!

Nicole said...

Oh my goodness! Thank you for the multiple laughs. I REALLY needed them. It's good to know I can still laugh. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I did laugh... puking cats and all those bunnies. Enjoy the rest of the summer - without too much bunny mayhem!

Dave said...

Alane, are you a scaredy cat of little critters? Dear me, that's a shame! I'm sure you are brave when it really counts huh? :-) - Dave

Nancy said...

Well, absent though you've been, you never disappoint! Looking forward to you coming back in the fall.

btw - have you tried that stuff in a tube for cats? I swear by it. Our cat - now long gone - needed the malt-flavored stuff all summer - usually about twice a week - stopped all hurling.

Land of shimp said...

Helllllllooooo, the Bug :-) Honestly, it was quite the image from my perspective, too. "Wow, poor cat, and what are the chances on that timing?"

He has ceased to hate me. Or is quietly plotting my death when I least expect it. That last is the most likely :-)

You're welcome, Cricket. I've got an email to reply to. Yeah, the news has been particularly distressing of late. We all need a laugh. Heh, and I'm glad I somehow survived (this time) the comedic kiss of death! "How about a funny story?" YIKES.

Hellllloooo, Jim. I hope you were victorious another day, and feel certain you shall be. Glad to have given you a smile :-)

It's good to see your screenname, as always!

Vera, isn't it funny? The easiest way to make someone laugh is to tell them a story that simply makes them glad, "Well, at least THAT didn't happen today!" I've enjoyed a lot of your stories for the same reason!

Hehe, intelliwench "hork" and "yack" are both terms for the upchuck in this household. No clue where I picked them up. I'm glad I have such good company on using "hork" though :-)

Hehe, Tabor the thing with having almost any pets is pretty much universal: They eliminate things in the most startling of manners, at the most inconvenient of times. However, cats are especially prone to it!

Well done on the allergies, you've "missed out" on a lot of ..."joys" of cat ownership ;-)

Enjoy your summer too, ds! I look forward to catching up when the cool weather descends, and I regretfully stop hauling my laptop outside to a chaise lounge (where the sun makes it very difficult to see much, but it's still so lovely).

Dylan, never fear, that was just Darwin at work, really. Those poor baby bunnies were...ill equipped, shall we say? To cope with the more Wild Kingdom aspects of being an outdoor bunny.

You see, we have owls here also as well as some other less fun creatures. So perhaps they reincarnated into indoor, pampered bunnies, whose owners love and adore them. Think of it that way :-)

Land of shimp said...

Hi Kathryn! I hope you all are well and enjoying the beautiful surroundings where you are. I really think it has to do with trying to avoid runoff onto the paws. That or it is just cussedness. You know how we purchased a steam cleaner when we got Puddles? It sees service almost every week...thanks to the cat. The dog has been responsible for one cleaning episode (same reason, sometimes it's like furry vomitorium around here).

Now there's an image I didn't think I'd be conjuring this morning.

Rebecka, be careful, lest you invoke the gods of horkdom! I hope you have avoided such a yucky fate :-)

Hi Amy! I would trade you, I would. If it were only for a day, the air-condition was in full swing, and the pool at the ready :-) In other words, no, thank you unless I absolutely must.

I hope you have not merely survived the heat wave, but had fun in it too. A nice spot in the shade, or indoors, and very little activity seems to be key :-)

Clowncar, he as saved though! He temporarily took up residence in one of our downspouts following the great "Bunnies can swim, who knew?" revelation of '10. Poor little thing, he was too little to get out on the steps...but the bunny gods were exceptionally kind to him. I must have stumbled upon the scene less that ten seconds after he hit the drink.

He took a couple of days to recover, which he did from the safety of our front lawn, but then the deluge...(a big honkin' rainstorm) had him moving out of the drainpipe and off into the big world.

Katy, you're in Texas, aren't you? No wonder you need to get inside, where it's bearable and cool! I hope you have a refreshing beverage at hand, right next to a cool drink :-)

Nicole, my pleasure. I wish I could make you laugh daily right now. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care, and know you are being thought of and about.

ladyfi, yay! I'm so pleased that it made you laugh. I have another friend who had emailed me last week, hoping I'd have some sort of minor misfortune (he hastened to add, it had to be minor) ...because he always found it hilarious.

I think that's what minor misfortune exists to do "-) Make us laugh, both at ourselves, and then in solidarity, at times! Whee!

Dave, I hope so! I hope I'm brave in the circumstances that require it. Do you know, I'm not normally afraid of critters. For instance, I'm not afraid of snakes but here's the deal:

Baby bunnies have tiny ears, so that they don't actually have any "Oh, a bunny!" type of telltale at first I thought, "Rat? Where's its tail??" and I, sir, reserve the right to freak at rats. I encourage others to do so, too.

But then, much worse, I thought it was a prairie dog. Now, they aren't vicious. They resemble...well, prairie dogs...they're just vermin but they generally leave people entirely alone. Except for the fact that they carry Bubonic Plague. I'm being literal. They care the Bubonic Plague.

Which...I don't want, oddly enough.

Hehehe, yes, I am unlikely to live down freezing over a BABY BUNNY (of dooooooom?) in the near future :-) Tease at will!

Nancy, that's not his problem, it's not hairball related :-) We brush him, and he gets a prescription diet for hairballs. He just wolfed down his food, it hit his stomach, and expanded. He does that sometimes.

Mostly he's just old :-) My good, faithful friend, but he's a teen cat now and his tummy is ...boomerang-like....occasionally. But thank you! If it had been hairballs, you might have saved me from more adventures in spewland :-)

I hope you're doing well, all of you. So nice to see everyone, and thanks for dropping by. As the leaves fall, I'll return and it's really nice to know how many fun people I'll have to catch up with when I do.

Fortunate person that I am :-)

Hilary said...

I, along with everyone else thank you for the laughs. Cats sure are an endless source of humour, aren't they? And the critter in the pool story? Priceless. :)

Carolina said...

Yet again a thanks for the laughs :-)
You've exactly described one of our cats vomiting habits, although up to now she has not done a 'flying vomit'. And since she's 20, I hope she never will have to do that. It'll be the end of her I think ;-)
As for the bunnies... awww, poor little bunnies!

Shrinky said...

Aw girl, I've missed you! Another priceless classic here, thanks for the "fix"! I am sooo with you on the pet hurling thing.. my cat 'ain't so bad, it's Jake, the dog, who loves to up-chuck anywhere but on the hard-floor! Sadly he's too big to fling.. but the picture you painted is hilarious. Welcome back hon, good to know you are enjoying the summer.

jadedj said...

Late as usual, that is. The pool story reminded me of when I was living in South Dade (Miami) and was the happy owner of a pool...until I learned what was required in maintenance, that is. Having only been there for a week, I decided one night to take a midnight swim without lights in the pool. Mind you, this is terrain that was once part of the Everglades. Tract houses on fill land that in reality ought to still be SWAMP.

Yes you probably guessed I bobbed at one end, sipping the old Merlot (in a plastic cup of course), I notice water ripples on the other end of the pool...headed my way. I got out of the pool, went into the house, turned on the pool lights, and SHEEEEIT...a gator. Baby one about a foot long. Nevertheless, I could see it had a full compliment of teeth. I called Critter Catchers, or whatever they are called and they caught the cute little thing, and released it into the canal back of my house. This cured my midnight au natural swimming sans lights penchant.

Kerry said...

It's September, and I hope you will be back soon with more! By now the bunny population should have grown up and become less likely to end up in our pool or window well? I hope so, the poor little things.

Location longue durée said...

Your article is really a nice reward for our work. Thank you so much!